17 March 2016

Love Relationships

I'm married for 7+ years with 7 boy-girl relationships prior. While folks do seek my thoughts with regards to their relationships, it does feel odd to me that I be dishing relationship advice.

You see, I don't have a perfect marriage with my husband. But I learnt that all marriages are not perfect. Neither are any people relationships.

Like any other couple, we have our share of laughter and tears. And we joked about getting divorce all the time (we finally set a date - February 31st - if that day ever comes).

I guess it was my past and present experiences that folks think I could probably relate to what they are experiencing right now.

I dated very sweet guys but ended the relationships eventually - because realistically it wouldn't be practical in adulthood. We were still schooling, and my preference to go dutch often crushes the male ego. The very sweet guys can be very satisfied/complacent with their current arrangements (缺乏上进心) and could be rather indecisive when faced with more than one option.

I had abusive relationships. Whatever confidence or self esteem I had were vaporised. Puberty is a phase every human being would go through. It didn't help to date a guy that doesn't put on weight when my body was getting curvier. He suggested that I get my hip bones crushed so that I'll have a slimmer butt. Neither was the controlling freak I dated a joy to be with. When my brother whom I share blood and DNA with put his arm around me for a picture during my graduation, the orge I dated was pissed. It was difficult to escape from such relationships. And looking back, I didn't understand why I would have put myself in such situations.

Each time I dated, I was convinced I would be marrying the person eventually. I tried to be a pleaser and changed myself to be better for the person. Sometimes it's the way I dress, sometimes it's the things I have to like. One guy told me that I wasn't feminine enough because I was not into Hello Kitty. It just happened that I like Little Twin Stars more and I don't really show my liking since I couldn't financially afford the merchadise then.

When I finally got married at age 26, I was going to be living with someone whom I can share my most blatant thoughts with. Marriage life isn't easy and it wasn't about squabbling over which part of the tube you should sqeeze out toothpaste (we solved the problem early in our marriage life by having two tubes - Darlie was too "minty" for me then). And there was the Facebook post yesterday about being so comfortable with your significant other half that you can chat about poop with no uneasiness *high 5*

I didn't have the most loving marriage but I had the most educating experience of a lifetime which brought the best and worst out of me. Perhaps that could be said too of motherhood.

Marriage taught me to be independent and interdependent at the same time. Marriage taught me that you don't need to be in the breathing space of one another 24/7. Marriage taught me to respect the differences of your spouse as much as you wanna change him/her (well.. try hard, but a leopard never changes its spots ha...!)

Friends, family, beloved ones. If you ever find yourself needing relationship advice from me again, do know that I can't give you the perfect answer or solution.

There is no perfect husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend.

It would be preferable though to find a life partner who will bring the best out of you. He or she may not help you much on the corporate ladder or dealing with family politics. But he or she should show you tough love by whacking you on the head to wake you up when you're at your worst. He or she should be there for you emotionally (a plus if physically too) when life becomes a never ending rollercoaster ride.